My job is the management of the "Extraterrestrial Threat Archive," which is a fancy way of saying I file papers in a basement that smells like damp cardboard and failure. I am a Grade 4 Junior Clerk in the Department of Planetary Security, and my primary skill is the ability to remain invisible while holding a stapler.

For ten years, I have processed the reports. Most of them are nonsense—farmers seeing UFOs in Kansas, schizophrenics claiming to be from Andromeda. But last Tuesday, I found Report 88-B.

Report 88-B was different. It wasn't a sighting; it was a proof. A series of spectral analyses and gravitational wave readings that proved, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that a fleet of predatory entities was currently decelerating toward Earth. The report included a precise arrival date: October 14th.

I did the right thing. I flagged it as "URGENT: LEVEL RED" and sent it to my supervisor, Mr. Henderson.

Mr. Henderson is a man whose only ambition is to reach retirement without having to do any actual work. He looked at the report, frowned at the font, and sent it to the Under-Secretary for Review.

The Under-Secretary, a woman who spent more time on her hair than on her briefings, decided that the report was "too alarmist" and "lacked a positive framing." She sent it back to the Drafting Committee to be "softened."

For six months, Report 88-B traveled through the digestive system of the bureaucracy. It was edited for clarity. It was formatted for the new digital archive. It was debated in three different sub-committees regarding the appropriate terminology for "inevitable extinction."

By the time it reached the Minister's desk, it had been transformed. The "Urgent Warning of Total Annihilation" had become a "Preliminary Suggestion for the Improvement of Interstellar Diplomatic Etiquette."

I watched from my basement office as the Minister presented the paper to the Cabinet.

"As you can see," the Minister beamed, "we are proposing a new set of guidelines for greeting potential visitors. We suggest a welcoming committee and a small gift basket of local delicacies."

The Cabinet members nodded in agreement. They spent forty-five minutes debating whether the gift basket should include dried apricots or artisanal cheeses.

I sat there, staring at the original Report 88-B on my screen. I looked at the clock. It was October 14th. 2:14 PM.

At 2:15 PM, the sky turned a sudden, violent shade of magenta.

I heard a scream from the floor above, followed by the sound of a thousand filing cabinets collapsing at once. I looked out my small, high window and saw the skyscrapers of New York beginning to fold like pieces of origami.

The Minister was still talking. "I believe the cheese is a safer bet for a first impression..."

The magenta light filled the room. I felt a sudden, strange lightness in my chest, as if I were being unzipped from the inside out.

My last thought was not of terror, nor of God, nor of my family.

I just wondered if someone had finally filed my request for a new stapler.

*** [OTMES-V2-CODE: V08-T9-M3-N2-K2-TH225-S0.5]